We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
