ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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