my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
