is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
