I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
