ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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