sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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