at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
