I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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