just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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