Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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