Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think your dad took our porno
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
