STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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