I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
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I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i believe in u and ur pee
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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