his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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