I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
