i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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