My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
