i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
