Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
