it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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