I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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