dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
