This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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