I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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