ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
