if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
