I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
