i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
