When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
