someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I AM VODKA MAN
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
