I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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