Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
