Redeem this text for a blowjob
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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