does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
All I want is dick and wine.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
