How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
