You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
