Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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