a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
