Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
