My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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