Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
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Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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