Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
