OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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