Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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