Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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