Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just found puke in my bra..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
