Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
