dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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