I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
