i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm sobbing to NWA
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.