hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
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she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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