You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
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I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
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you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!