So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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