I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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