Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
