Will you blow on my dice?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
