I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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