i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
