I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
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