Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
